Introspection

Who am I and what is my purpose? I question this daily while getting on with the rigours of life, I'm now 25. In a month I'll be 26 and one step closer to death, but I couldn't be further away from enlightenment. A psychology graduate, I ask what of Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs? I am watered and showered daily, observing the chaos of the world from behind the safety of my four walls. Through the love and shared experiences of those around me I have found self esteem and belonging. So tell me, why is there so much internal conflict and malnourishment? How can I be so found and so lost, both fond of lust and drowning in a barrel of cognitive dissonance?

I can’t string sentences anymore, I lust way more than I used to.

I’m bruised too, psych out the mic.

I’m lost in the cauldron of fright.

An uncertainty, I know that there’s more to me.

The journey, the perspective, it's perplexing.

The people and mystery add beauty.

The ability to grow, I feel the flow, I know the sea draws nearer.

Prodigal son to the father,

‘Dad, why does what’s easy come so much easier than what’s harder?

Why is that what's needed to grow?

Why not embrace bliss?’

Shunned son, I’m no daughter.

I’ll find what I seek even if I have to tread hell or high water.

Riding the current, being moored and paying rent are synonymous.

I miss the me who looked up to Optimus.

A simpler view of morals, not rules bent based on the now and then.

A pleasureless passion in fear of inaction.

Now, now, now.

So far from prime, might never make it all due to being stuck in time.

1* - 07/10/21

Grey skies, ecstasy.

I cower at the thought of a lightless me.

The silver lining amongst the static, the way my body entangles with this linen is graphic.

Going through the motions, they dance like silk and cotton.

My soul is water, my mind is oil.

In a constant tandem till they’re mixed with soil.

That’s a lot of toil.

That’s a muddy paste.

Pace through the stages without letting it harden.

Self moulded, this love is garbage.

Broken sky, the sky is falling.

Chicken little, maybe I’m just a little chicken.

Caught in a reality, devoid of reality.

The same FUCKING QUESTIONS.

Is there more to me?

2 - 9/10/21

What are you willing to trade?

This isn’t equivalent exchange, I’ll take the best of your days and give you what you perceive as a flaw in character.

You traded your talents for the chance of being an influencer.

You can relate to they, them, he, her.

So many pronouns, did you ever learn to pronounce the truth?

The best days of your life are not youth, but a combination of energy and passion.

E is my MC, took me to mass a couple times, then the light hit me.

Now I’m boxed out from the world.

It's not all doom and gloom, thinking outside the box.

I’m Russell Howard, I wrestle my inner coward, my mind is always crowded.

This a live show with a studio audience.

My many inward personalities bounce and jostle off each other.

They just be moshpitting.

I put my demons in these full stops like .. .. ... . .. ... .

That's just morse spitting.

39462 - 17/12/21

I need love in my life, I’ve got passion, no action.

I don't mean sex, I had that last week, no real connection.

That shit weak, might as well went cycling.

It's just actions without passion, my nigga I might as well gone hiking.

High king, I give praise unto the most high.

I’ve been through the valley of the shadows of death, once almost gave my soul to the night king.

So close to being knighted too, call me Sir Cass.

My emotions had me going through the motions like I was at the circus.

Now I’m circling round sharks, piggy in the middle, I wear my heart on my fins.

I’m manic, my nigga don’t you panic, this shit frantic, bro this shit tragic.

Still though it's the process, I promise I can rock wid it.

Lean and bop, I two step and jerk a lot.

Jerk off, jerk wad eating jerk chicken it’s as if I was born Black British.

Almost as if I’m from Jamaica, St. Lucian born you know that creole I rock widdit.

‘Ai de mamou sa salop, ou paya lass koke fille’

‘Ou au Angleterre avec ce mon ca ah, ki ca ou ca fare?’

Ou aimea fum blanche, my nigga ki ca ou ca fair?

5960 - 17/12/21

Weird air of anxiety looming over me like I ain’t tryna just chill in my fruit of the looms.

I have no choice but to sow seeds and tend to trees, my days are numbered but these words could be forever.

That was yesterday, the lack of progression but his promise meant I’m still here today.

I know it’ll dissipate, disciple of life.

I’ve experienced earthquakes and had the earth ripped from under me.

I now tread on what you became, the aim now is not fame but to reframe minds to a more vivid reality.

It’s bleak but they grey is so beautiful, the orange, violet and burgundy painted skies.

The sun is unconditional.

Gestalt, no individual part is more important than the whole.

The sum is unconditional.

My heart is unconditional, it wont allow you to vacate the premises.

There's a fire within and I’m playing Sims.

I removed the door.

30596 - 17/12/21

Woke up today not in the mood, stomachs moaning cause I need food.

I won't claim it to be depression, it might just be the pressure.

Life’s got me in the a gegen.

In an attempt to get my tactics right, I bring out my inner Jurgen.

I need to stop getting food, clothes and trees.

Blew through money this month like it was coke.

Blew on the nozzle of that smoking barrel, it's time to holster that capitalism stick.

Back to feelings though, back to back days at work and no real sense of accomplishment will have you feeling like Riri.

Work work work, no appreciation.

It's deeper than that though, I know there’s something I’m neglecting to ask, emotions I’ve neglected to act on.

What am I missing? I guess we know todays’ contemplations.

Introspection time like they are about to flip my cell.

Fuck up my bunk, my books while I scream I’m a good ute.

Look into my mind you will truly see contraband.

Look into my heart and you’ll see the Band of the Hawk.

My minds Griffiths, my hearts Guts.

4059 - 18/12/21

I cried today.

On that frustration and sadness concoction, you can see it in my face I ain’t been eating I’m just wasting away.

They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

Now I’m staring in the mirror wondering am I a body builder or am I six feet under?

I don’t want to talk about it, all day spent thinking about it, to voice it out is to just air it out.

Hear me out, I know the motions, surfed the waves like I know the movement of the currents.

I am a little poorly now, poor Lee got told he could never use taijutsu again.

Poor me falling into the trap of mental delusion again.

Imperfect being constantly scrutinising his shortcomings.

It's like when I get all flustered and embarrassed that I came quick.

‘Suicide’ the thought made me laugh like I came to my senses quick.

Post nut clarity, the tears which stream down my face are but a strange hit.

A little alleviation.

I ain’t properly cried since I realised you died, how much of it has built up on my psyche?

I can converse with anyone about anything, maybe I’m just searching for the cheapest reality?

Daijobu.

0192 - 14/01/22

Music don't sound the same.

The melodies still cold but the sounds doesn’t resonate.

Should I start making my own?

Hearts fucked and minds in a state of its own, beefing with the duality of existence and an existential crisis like Christ did.

Father father, I’ve got an awful record boy, father please don’t dame fuego, although I deserve it.

I miss the simpler times when we was Abel, now I’m asking where did Fwea go?

Bros making beats and I’m sick of listening to palpitations like that cardiac rhythm’s sick.

Bro, my heart beats in vain.

I sometimes feel like this existence exists to ensure I go insane.

I've said it about a thousand times, I’ll say it seventy times seven.

The magic number yahweh said is the amount you should forgive em.

So far forgiven, I can't forgive me cause I have high expectations of you nigga.

I have high expectations of my mind, I can't go insane nigga.

I think therefore I am so until the end of time I shall put my heart into my work, place my cognition between these lines and on my sleeve.

Michael Scofield, I’ll ink my escape on my skin like these words are Gucci, Dolce and Gabbana and fucking Prada.

3950 - 16/01/22

Tour de France, I’m cycling through the mud.

That shit fucked my cadence.

Okay then, I might come in last but I’ll finish the race.

It's all about patience.

I’m paid cents for my life energy’s exchange to live in this society when all I just want is nature.

Me and my old girl used to walk around the house naked.

Go frolicking in the forest and had a picnic by the lake one day back then.

Way back when I used to climb trees and eat fruits from branches like the birds do.

Migrated and the patterns changed like zebras having stripes and switching to spots.

What is my all?

How far can I go?

How much further must I fall?

All thoughts and ruminations of an alcoholic who loves to frolic in his misery fields of daisies.

Pursing his mouth, he put two lips on the drink and gave two licks as liquor dripped from his mouth onto the nearby tulips.

In an attempt not to waste it, being drunk had become a part of daily life.

The drink the only thing that never called him out on his problems.

How could he waste it?

047529 - 04/02/21

Black stallion, black magic.

I Floyd through the trials and tribulations.

I’m moored by a false sense of salvation, I hope my soul finds tranquillity.

I hope to walk the beaches of Mare Tranquillitatis, I hop back into the TARDIS to observe the better days.

Bleaker ways await those travelling through the valley of shadows.

Would my younger self be proud of who I became?

Or would I scorn him saying, 'If it’d been you, you would’ve changed too.'

Battling existence, ‘Father forgive me for I know what I did do.’

I chose pleasure in this instance and every other opportunity where it mattered.

No more grey matter, the electrical impulses that drove me have ceased.

Buoying along the dead sea, I’m becoming more obsessed with my work and less with reality.

49405 - 23/02/22

I wrote in white today.

I etched my thoughts onto that blank canvas and turned it from something empty to placing a part of me within it.

I can't paint the clouds, trees or the sun, my head is always amongst them.

I am attached to my body by a string.

I am grounded by my mortality, I place my life on the currents of fate.

I wonder what those staring at me would think of my shape?

Laying on our backs stargazing.

I’m grazings on the many experiences, the many changes.

I internalise it all.

Constantly eating, I’ve indigestion and cognitive dissonance.

Distant cousins, your blood is red like mine, you can't disown us.

It's funny because we've been disowned already, slavery was abolished.

How many of us are living free?

What do you see what you see the sea?

That cloud looks like a Bison, I disagree, don't you think that one looks like Mike Tyson? 094749 - 09/03/22

Showers showers showers, the rain flows like water from a fountain.

My blessings are endless.

Its passion is indiscriminate, I say it in triples.

I be doing up Father, Son and Holy Ghost.

I know ignorant niggas, drugs and unholy hoes.

I don't mean that to be condescending, she conned me with her love.

Her decision was damning, had me screaming 'fuck your ex, I'll bang him.'

Time and space are synonymous with love, antonyms of the same end in ‘uggh’

I know. I be disgusting, I be sick, cold and malnourished.

Laugh with me, Rosie O’Donnell, I've done well to get this far.

I’ll soon blossom.

Life is like ‘Click’, how hard I press now will determine my fate.

Death is within my destiny, my soul has taken many shapes.

Weightless on the current of decision, I battle with wanting to live a long one and wanting to lead one where I’m in a rush to leave.

I kid, sometimes I wish I could just fast forward a little bit.

I give the process due diligence.

I take in the meaningful, it would be meaningless to live in any other way.

It's sad but ignorance is the mean.

I love it when she's mean, let me see your soul through your actions.

These little things you do make me want to devour you.

Let me cower in your bosom, I know our love is conditional.

Let me run my fingers through your hair, my love is shampoo, my love is crammed too. 040506 - 12/03/22

Orator.

I’m just voicing my demons like an autobiographical narrator.

I hope the voices in my head never lose their passion, their will to question life

What is existence?

Evil genius, by product of experiencing it live.

I won the lotto but since then I just been gambling on this meagre existence.

I beat them other niggas at swimming, my nigga I’ve almost drowned twice.

My nigga thats thrice I been hit by cars and let me not get started on my ventilator sessions.

Coughing up my lungs now, I miss laying on your bosom.

Maybe I should quit smoking, you’d hate to see me soon?

To tell the truth I done quite soft drinks and meat on a dime, can't spin on a sixpence while high.

You can't enter the promised land inebriated, how is the bridge to heaven a stand of string?

I can't balance on a wire, far less a strand of hair.

So fearful, so faithless.

123987 - 15/03/22

Mind's filled with profanities, I make dark and sexual jokes.

I hope to mime my soliloquies, don’t mind me.

Unless you’re mine, I’ll provide the best me.

I’ve got support in abundance.

If you need space, I’ll give you the stars and planets.

I plan it, man makes plans and God laughs like ‘darn it.’

I’ve got bad luck, I’m like Darnell.

I woke up today, so I’m glad son.

Putting in those hours, I’ll soon achieve mastery like Gladwell.

You can't hear the emphasis in my words when I practise.

PUTTING ALL CAPITALS WON'T DO IT JUSTICE.

Do you know what the fuck I’m trying to express?

I’ve got this stress, that stress and damsel in distress with me.

Can't wait till 50, I could use chapters to go faster but this comes easier like natural disasters.

We just seen off Eunice, don't worry bro, I got your niece too.

The whole family’s covered in showers.

My love is indiscriminate, my love is racist.

Saying duʿāʾ in hopes that your will be done.

I be fumbling with words, I be fumbling with girls.

I be a compass near a magnet.

I’m just trying to get realigned to the great attractor.

940503 - 15/03/22

Top three to do it and I ain’t 3rd or 2nd.

In a league of my own my nigga I ain’t even first.

I’m a flirt and I be thirsty like wine and women don't quench me.

Only your love can mend me.

Started off jobless, I’ll soon raise that trophy like Mendy.

Placing women on pedestals like half of ya’ll don’t measure.

Young seamstress, you tailored that love to my heart.

Your stitching is impeccable, you were always assured and measured.

Spinning that Singh, I be doing up rotary, I be doing up sin.

I can not, I’m half Sim.

Heads in a Cass, my nigga I’m split in half.

I THINK THEREFORE I AM, THESE WORDS ARE FROM THE PERSPECTIVE OF A CASS SIM.

I know simulations, brodie and I be talking about his work at Astra Zenica.

My nigga I know powder and distillation.

The rod was never spared, this child isn’t spoilt.

My nigga I know the Lord, I know the law and I’m not adhering to either.

I’m lawless, loveless, lordless and lauded like ain't that laughable.

I know mum will always love me.

I know grandma smiling down on me like I fell from grace, you warned me too.

So fickle, I resonate with Rick, relationships are so brittle

I wish I could turn into a pickle so I wouldn’t need this council.

394940 - 19/03/22

Time and wisdom are synonymous, time also heals falls, bruises and bumps.

So if I were to fail twice would that mean that I was not a student of life?

Someone catch me before I white out, making guest appearances at the Poké centre.

Her head on my shoulders as I contemplate it all.

Now I’ve got makeup on my white tee, I knew this would happen but I couldn’t resist as I ran my fingers through her hair, massaging like there was some head&shoulders.

Heads fully submerged, 62 metres above sea level, why does it feel like I’m being waterboarded?

Under pressure, will I drown?

Doing diamond press ups, I won't let up, I’ll trade in my lungs for gills.

I got a faux grill, I know a fake smile, I ain’t spoke to my step dad in a while.

How you Gon ghost a nigga that raised two kids that ain’t his own?

You Ging, you Jin.

You got a jokey centre, Kevin Garnett, I hope the poké hits your centre like you got a ton of bad karma headed your way.

I know the sun, yet still my nigga ‘it was 96 degrees in the shade’, you know I chose the shadows.

0048437 - 20/03/22

I might kill myself.

I know I’ll miss myself but I don't like me’s current trajectory.

Can’t have a play without a tragedy, me not making it would be a travesty.

Why was I trading all these words then?

What have I been doing day-2-day then?

I know they’re numbered.

Being born was an honour and a disservice at the same time, now I’ve gotta pay tax and trade in my best days.

2day I’m at work, 2morrow I’ll ignore you and 2 days after that will be the 25th.

This year I’ll be twenty6, ah shit I’m ageing.

‘This house is not a home to you’, I place my head on your chest.

You be my twenty eight.

I’m still showing signs which are unlikely, how you do this is very unbecoming.

The great homecoming, I can't go home unless it be with them retirement packages.

I’ve been banished from St. Lucia.

I’m so wrong, I’m so raw.

You know where I sleep huh?

123453 - 22/04/22

Ahh sweet melancholy,

Here you are crowding my mind, my being and reality.

Kingdom was an escape, Fei Xin came in clutch.

I could always jump rope but never double dutch.

Now I’m laid up and my conscience crowded, Black Joker is keeping me company.

There are doves in my heart, ravens on my shoulders and I rep carouge.

The background to the clouds, my head is constantly in the sky.

There is wanderlust.

I wonder what must I do to end this constant lust.

The contradictions of speech, if I said more, I might be perceived as thoughtless.

I hope I articulate in a manner that does my psyche justice.

Constantly ruminating.

My head is heavy, my thoughts full.

I should be precise in what I say in hopes you perceive me as thoughtful.

I should seek counselling in hopes of attaining actualisation.

I accept my demons, I shouldn’t entertain them, they’re Bad Company.

Spending time playing anything from EA, it's a game too and I’m focused on the wrong one. 777374 - 23/04/22

Chic once asked me,

'If you could wake up tomorrow and one thing in your life be different what’d you choose?'

I chose grades, having failed to achieve it.

I thought that’s what was missing from me for greatness.

SQ asked the same question and I said I need a change of scenery.

The culture here is killing me, I could get dipped by a YG too.

Failing each time to truly observe the picture, I’ve been thinking of solutions to problems that haven’t even arisen.

I need to be more prudent, I enjoy grapes but leave them to long and I might end up with prunes.

I might have a mouthful or raisins.

Spitting up dried fruits, the sun is my preservative.

I reserve the right to see it every morning, God willing.

I’m good will hunting too, ask Chloe.

We went melon picking, where I befriended a border collie.

I’m a cat person so hope Neji don't smell the betrayal.

NOW I’VE GOT THIS MELANCHOLY, my melanin is holy.

Got ME throwing LAN parties to combat the lonely.

I can't beat a man down the wing, I ain’t CHO.

ILY, honestly.

666689 - 06/05/22

Pass the parcel, we’re passing our feelings around like we’re delivery men.

We’re UPS facing life and handing out smiles.

We’re really on the down, I know how to mould a frown.

Frolic, frolic, frolic.

I chose a vice other than alcohol.

If I were to drink ethanol, would that end it all?

Was my life an anomaly?

If I were normal, who would I be?

Question, question, question.

If I were to lay my head on your chest, would that make you a confidant?

Would that make you a comfy bed?

A great escape once began with a man laying his head.

A great depression arose when later he realised what he did.

His dreams and perceptions of the world dead.

Arms clutching his head, the tear stream ran over his nose bridge and flooded his sheets.

The dam on his heart collapsed.

The damned, wicked and art that he experienced, he let loose from his being.

'I once wanted so much. In attaining it all I’ve lost touch.'

Touching precious stones and ornaments.

Precious metals, the finer things he owned all of it.

I leave it all behind.

I have the experiences of poverty, but I lack the recollection of it.

Those lesser days were a moor to me, I would trade success to go back just to water me.

Sowed seeds, I should have planted them.

000374* - 19/06/22

Slipping in and out of consciousness.

The sign comes, I await another.

This one shows signs of being a con.

I used to believe in love, I now place my feelings in science.

Inside her I found my shortcomings.

I soon after left.

I couldn’t stand being buried up to my knees.

Making sand angels, I grew up on the beach.

84850 - 03/08/22

In trying to save them all you saved no one.

In trying to save yourself, you lost those that meant the world to you.

The world onto you, your perceptions of self are hazy.

I think therefore I am, my existence is all I’m sure of.

Figments of the imagination.

Are you here of your own volition or were you constructed by my lonely psyche?

Asking which came first, man or God?

Asking how much further do I have to fall until I hit the bottom?

Tying rocks around my ankles, tying my locks into a bundle.

Who will lay bouquets at my head stone?

87654938 - 18/12/22

Seasons greetings, I see myself in your image.

You see 'sons and daughters of St. Lucia' are ever changing.

Oh to be a part of mankind, what does it mean to be a kind man?

I gave her the best of me yet she only addressed me as canine.

Trying to bone, I licked my lips and K9.

You could never K me, existential battles are rampant.

Tying what little sense of self remained to those around me.

You are a fresh water fountain in the middle of the ocean.

Drinking till I’ve had my fill, hoping to drown so I’m never left without.

00130666 - 23/12/22

Litter my ashes, feast of my carcass.

I’m about to cascade, my soul overfloweth.

My cup overrunneth, I’m at the cusp of greatness.

How close is actualisation?

I speak with my saviour daily and ask for salvation.

So close to touching immortality, to burn forever.

How long does a civilisation last and with how many do my words resonate?

My passion is eternal, I lay with 8s.

She on her side was my infinity.

To exist in many realms, to have the perception of self yet constantly ask ‘what if?’

Livening like Schrödinger, I open the door and there exists my safe space.

I close it upon exist creating a new reality before me as I venture.

I’m part vulture too, the national animal of St. Lucia is a bird.

A parrot, oh how fitting.

4957372 - 01/01/23

I’m the best ever.

I have to remind myself constant.

Using consonants & rhythm, am I narcissistic?

Constantly seeing the beauty, am I artistic?

Aiming for altruism, am I always being honest?

Trying to realign my moral compass, are women and drugs magnets?

I’m the worst ever.

I have to constantly put that thought to the back of my head.

Oh to sin yet seek forgiveness knowing that you believe.

Oh to remain meek knowing that you shall inherit the earth.

Oh to go deep yet understand that you haven’t hit the depths of despair.

Seeking air, I placed on an oxygen mask.

847474 - 20/01/23

Asking what good is love if I am?

Thinking therefore, are you here for the good times?

I’m always sad, money won’t change me.

Manners maketh man, my morals are in the gutter.

You should see my psyche.

You should stare at my torso, my torn soul resides beneath it.

Asking what good is a mend if I put my Al in Green?

Betting on black, I’m resting on my laurels while turning my lungs into ashes.

Asking that the days not hurt until I can get back to being besides you.

Performing the globe of death, my head will be the end of me.

Giving all I have, I’m still falling short in my eyes.

Reciting affirmations knowing I’m deaf to positive language.

The petal landed on she likes me not, maybe I should buy another bouquet?

Living in a cell whilst shadow boxing in the mirror.

Asking do I love you enough to die for me?

1127374* - 15/02/23

Being led astray, I’m swaying left while the best bits of my psyche are in the ashtray.

Are fate and free will intertwined?

Is it always right if done in love and is the absence of neglect?

Split in two, if I split my psyche between you then will you coexist?

Seeking consignment on redemption, I place my faith of an exist on religion.

She made me want to be more, both with me and in spite of the fact that she left.

Now I’m right back to where I started, playing both positions.

She was my defender, I’ll soon come crashing down.

Yelling, ‘Timber!’ Ajax myself,

’If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?’

678756* - 22/02/23

At a loss for words, tired of expressing hurt.

Sat contemplating self worth, I recite affirmations daily.

Sat within the confession box.

'To say it aloud is to acknowledge its existence.'

I pull the wool over my skin, I’m sheep kin.

Akin to getting lost, I was led away by myself.

Grand delusions, I was only fooling myself.

Failing to get a cross, buckling at the knees.

This t is heavy, I thought white washed away my sins?

So many metaphors, will I ever get the point across?

So many similes, do you see similarities in us?

In infatuation I once thought love.

In lust I once found trust.

In putting you first I found discrimination.

In anger, this scream.

In pleasure, that scream.

Two dictators, one scene.

Back and forth with myself, the mirror speaks honestly.

I deny reality to myself.

1127384* - 11/03/23

Hashish on the beach.

I’ve got sand in my shoes, should I add it to the hour glass?

Marta is sleeping, the headache got the better of her.

Mind over the situation, my father being in me meant there was wanderlust.

The nomad in me said you should ‘step out no matter the situation.’

Staying within the walled city, Essaouira.

Hoping it’s filled with plot twists and character development, adding to the story yeah.

Moroccan by association.

The less I think, the more I can achieve.

I’d be a moron to sit there and believe it’d come to me.

I should be more on job, vitamin C is lacking.

I need more OJ.

Zineb said take 2 bills.

If I were to strap another one, that’d make it two builds.

Hoping to run into my version of her, questioning am I here to destroy or to build?

To inhale was to internalise it, exhaling meant that the hypertension wasn’t worth it.

784884 - 21/03/23

Tempted to touch, tempted to jump.

The waves break onto the rocks for what?

The sea calls to me, I’m a pirate at heart.

I can’t swim, the devil fruit runs through my blood.

My being is landlocked, walking out to the peninsula with pencil in hand.

Etching the limitations of I, staring over the ocean but sketching a prison.

Hoping the salty air rusts the bars quicker than my desire to live subsides.

Recluse when low, manic depressive while high.

Fluctuating like the tides.

So many worldly pleasures and treasures, failing to obtain the one piece needed for completion.

nika, nigga, negus.

849495* - 28/03/23

Put a sea between it, am I capitalist or communist?

Within this commune lies incompetence, how did we establish a community?

Commuting between a safe heaven and a bed I rest my head on.

Realising they should be one and the same, there lies no unity.

Reality unto me, in the same she’s on to me.

Testing, treating or tricking, she’s Halloween.

She’s hallow within yet remains filled with surprises.

Surmise this, there exists an exist which with the right experiences an existentialist can obtain homeostasis.

Home is where the heart is, I live in my head.

I’ve grown dreads from the absence of combing my hair.

Lost in the thought of wanting it now like the hare but knowing the tortoise is triumphant.

Will angels really line the gates of heaven with trumpets?

If I pour my heart into my work, will I really lose my mind like Van Gogh did?

She wants us to convert a Volkswagen and see the world through it.

9484840 - 31/03/23

My time in Moroc draws to an end, I’ll be returning soon.

Margot asked if I made music, going through emotions I put pen to paper.

Failing to deliver, her name was a few letters short of Margret.

Dancing with melancholy and euphoria, it’ll be till death do us part like marriage.

Hoarse drawn carriage, tired of reciting the same things but I just can’t get past this passage.

Handing down my feelings, my index ran over the same sentence over and over again.

‘I want freedom. I want freedom. I want freedom’

Failing to realise that to live is to love and to lose is to win.

Moroc humbled me, Moroc angered me.

The escapades I had heard and lived vicariously through were so easily obtainable.

Trapped within the viscous cycle of maintaining the first to bases of Maslow pyramid.

Realising that safety and security scars me, I trade away my psyche to keep a roof over my head.

6373829 - 01/04/23

Praying we all achieve greatness.

I’ve surpassed my father yet still I am only half the man that he is.

Asking what does it mean to be a man?

Constantly mad, that’s the mean.

I’ve achieved the first steps of machismo, relationships lost over ego.

Combining protagonist and antagonist, I’m Super Vegito.

Fasting with no Eid in sight, to sin is within my instincts.

I’d be lost if I hadn’t been forced fed Christ.

Force feedings, hard lessons learned where experience was the teacher.

Force fading, the thought of the rod against my back no longer persuades me.

‘No, I am your father’ calls out a voice from the light as I slip towards Darth Vader.

Slipping into a tar pit of despair, discipline won’t save me.

I’ve been a bad disciple, despicable me.

Felonious Gru, flirtatious guru, false groom.

I seek Mary Magdalene.

When I die, place the Death Star on my tombstone.

0993849* - 20/05/23

Coughing now, wellness is on the horizon.

It’s a blessing to have risen, constantly asking y the trails?

Being swallowed by snakes but seeking ladders.

If I put my all in x, where do I go from there?

Left to write about my feelings, how much do I fluctuate?

What will be my final coordinates?

Mark me on a graph.

Smoking now, ashes to ashes as they say.

I take decay into my own hands and mould it into pottery.

Biodegradable vassal, poisoning his vessel with liquor and alcohol.

Licking her from top to bottom, breaking commandments in chronological order.

I commend those with discipline, I can’t even command myself.

4888494* - 01/06/23

Ghost in a shell, I fade into the background.

Our times up yet we’re back round to where we started.

Growing old, I’m going harder.

I should go home, I have no idea where that is.

Wishing on shooting stars knowing that they’re comets.

Flying through darkness, they and I have that in common.

Let me not comment on how we’re both shrouded by light as well.

Lowering the bucket with a string,

‘It puts the lotion on its skin’

Knowing that not even a fire hose could wash away my sins.

Douse me in holy water, I’m on fire!

Shoot me into the atmosphere.

Remembering her hands wrapped around my head, wishing my ex was here.

Knowing who comes after will be better.

Took her to River Island because Next was out of that sweater.

The sheep wanders, the guard dog returns it.

The wolf lurks, I play all 3 roles internally.

3644224 - 10/06/23

Broke, broke, broke.

I couldn’t be more broken.

I should seek a loan.

I couldn’t be more lonely.

I’ll sell you my thoughts for a penny.

They’re many, they’re pent up.

They’re merry and melancholic.

My father was once an, I’m currently an.

Father and son are one and the same.

The farther I ran the further the sun seemed.

‘Am I running towards the dark away from light?

Am I running towards the light but the darkness won’t let it reach me?

Are those two not one and the same?

Am I the one in the sane?’

Repeating the cycle, it now has a flat tyre.

I should take a different route.

4687488 - 13/06/23

Pride and remorse, I’m umpire of the coin-toss.

Let’s see today's cloak.

You should see the bitter me, yesterday was prideful.

The day before was doubtful and spiteful.

What is there to mourn?

The past is history yet she made this double sided me.

Playing games, double taking.

History taught me being upfront with your feelings lead to rejection.

Understanding that I wouldn’t be the man I am without masochist.

Sadness brought about sadism and now I want to see you grow from it.

All this introspection, but what is there to show for it?

Driving me mad, you chauffeur it.

I see your conviction. I’ll see you convicted.

You’re sentenced to death, that much is inevitable.

Setting the table, having dinner and conversation with me, myself and I.

Inner voice says jump over the ledge.

I smile knowing I’m resistant to fall damage.

77905806 - 25/06/23